BREAKING NEWS! IRS closes in on Sargon of Akkad

Good evening, dear readers.

It appears Sargon of Akkad is on the run from the IRS tonight after it was finally discovered that he has been using a million employees to run his cocaine-smuggling empire, all of which are unpaid, and all of which are children.

For years, we’ve been warning people about the harasser, the bully, and the misogynist that is Sargon. And now, finally, we have his own words with which to condemn him.

“I really love unethical practices,” Sargon totally said literally, speaking on a stream. “Did I tell you about the million employees I have and all the money I stole from GamerGate to make a game I’m not even working on? There’s no game: just your money in my pockets.”

The drama began after it was discovered that Sargon not only doesn’t care about ethics, but is actually a fan of not being ethical, as indicated by a photo of himself he tweeted, in which he wears a t-shirt with the words: “Lol ethics are for fagz give me $$”

Once again, dear readers, I must remind you that Sargon literally said these things and we’re not just extrapolating or paraphrasing and adding our own bent to them. He literally said every last one of these words—sort of. There may have been some minor alterations, but they were purely for the sake of unpacking his statements and putting them together in a more truthful way that we saw fit.

Now, Sargon has been spotted firing machine-gun rounds from the back window of a blue sedan as police vehicles pursue him into the night. “You’ll never take me alive, you yank bastards!” he was heard shouting, as he ruthlessly gunned down eight American police officers and two nearby children watching on from the sidewalk.

As Sargon continues to flee authorities and rake in GamerGate money, we have to wonder: how long will it be before the police can finally BTFO him?

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News evening report.

Hateful GamerGaters caught resisting feminist harassment

As we’ve previously stated many times, our agents here at Kotawker News are trained Feminist Professionals™ and, as such, we are licensed abusers. Only those with a specific degree in gender studies can be trusted to dish out a responsible amount of abuse on behalf of our Feminist Abuse Specialists™

Recently, we have been seeing an increased resistance to our abuse. This is problematic, as Resisting Abuse is one of the worst crimes one can commit. If we deem that you are fit for abuse and harassment, it is in your best interest to accept your lumps and move along. Barring that, we are left with little recourse but to escalate your punishment for failure to accept penalty.

“Freedom of speech doesn’t excuse you from the consequences of that speech.”

Special Agent Paige Cuntington has been reporting to us a dramatic uptick in shitlord behavior. Notice how our responsible agent marks her fairly judged targets. As you can see here, Paige is licensed to diagnose behavior, and her accurate descriptions of those she encounters on Twitter must be listened to and believed.

Lately, Paige has been receiving some resistance, and this is of grave concern.

As you can see here, this troll actually accuses Paige of targeting people—yes, duhh! But she’s licensed! Are you? No? Then stop Resisting Abuse, as that is a feminist level 4 crime that will result in you being next to face punishment.

Here’s another example of a GamerGater resisting lawful abuse.

Like I said, we here at Kotawker News only report on feminists who are qualified to make judgements about people like this:

Some have claimed that Paige’s methods of calling out and public humiliation are unfair. But these are people who are being emotionally abusive. For example, take the case of the #GamerGate supporter who had the audacity to use suicide as a means of making the abuse stop (the rightfully prescribed abuse)

People: please stop resisting Miss Cuntington. She’s only trying to do what’s best for us all.

Thank you.

This has been your Kotawker News daily report.

Depression Quest 2 to only run at 900p, 30fps on Xbox One

Depression Quest 2 to only run at 900p, 30fps on Xbox One

Well, dear readers, it is a dark day in the gaming world. Controversy erupted on all sides when developer Zoe Quinn announced that the long-awaited sequel to the Depression Quest series would be launching first as an Early Access title, and then only at 900p, 30fps on the Xbox One.

We reached out to several gamers to hear their reactions. Most were quite negative.

“It’s fucking bullshit,” said Scooter Riptide, a student at Braun’s Academy for Misbehaving Children. “All the kids in class have PS4s and get to play it at 1080p. I can’t even look at these fucking shit graphics fuck Microsoft this is unplayable.”

Not everyone was quite so skeptical. “Haha, SUCK IT, fags,” replied Damien Nightraven. “I love it when the Xbox One version is shittier because I paid for a different console than that one.”

By far, the harshest reception came from the PC-gaming community, who immediately flooded Twitter with criticisms after Miss Quinn revealed that the PC version would not only carry over that thirty-fps lock, but would additionally require Direct X 27-compatible graphics cards to play.

“This is a bullshit port!” tweeteted one user.

“I can’t believe my GTX 980TI won’t be enough for this game,” tweeted another.

In defense of the steep requirements, Zoe informs us that the pages in the PC version will be animated and look like real turning pages and, additionally, there may even be animated sprites on some parts of the game if the stretch goals are met.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News Daily Report.

Oscon fixes harassment problem after claims surfaced about Randi Harper

Oscon fixes harassment problem after claims surfaced about Randi Harper

Good early afternoon, dear readers. Today’s news comes after a long day of campaigning from the online hate group known as #GamerGate. Sources tell us that the #GamerGate group has been posting screencaps of what appears to be harassment stemming from anti-abuse activist Randi Harper, likely resulting due to Randi being invited to speak at Oscon.

If this sounds worrying, it’s not. Never the ones to take harassment lightly, Oscon has been very proactive in addressing these issues. We here at Kotawker News sat down with chief organizer Richard Head.

KN: So, you say that #GamerGate began spamming your twitter?

RH: That’s exactly right.

KN: But you found a solution?

RH: Absolutely we did, Kev. We take harassment very seriously, and if we’re getting constant claims that someone is harassing, we take action to prevent that.

KN: And what actions did you take?

RH: We have blocked everyone making these claims. It’s a bit early, but our latest estimates show that harassment claims are now down to 0%, effectively ending harassment claims.

As you can see, dear reader, the good folks at Oscon work tirelessly to ensure that their events are fair, safe, and promote good moral character.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News afternoon report.

Why it’s okay when we do it: #GamerGate just doesn’t understand harassment

Why it’s okay when we do it: #GamerGate just doesn’t understand harassment

Have you ever gone to a doctor when you’re sick? Have you ever had the unfortunate need to undergo surgery? Tell me: just because the surgeon gets to cut open your body and start screwing around in there, does that give you the right to go and cut open someone else’s body? Of course not!

#GamerGate activists have frequently flooded our inboxes here at Kotawker News with demands to know why it’s okay when we harass people but not when they do it. Well, it’s for the same reason that you can’t go removing your mother’s appendix: a degree in gender studies.

We are professionals. We are trained. We know who to harass, how much to harass, and when to stop. #GamerGate activists are misogynists and are harassing for the wrong reasons. Whereas some among them are using the same tactics that we use in order to advance a cause, there’s a significant difference between our group and theirs, and the reason for this is as follows: our opinion is the correct one and theirs is not.

Until you’ve gone through the rigors of the intense, character-making gender-studies degree program, you can’t possibly be qualified to harass someone else on Twitter. No, that requires years of practice, education, and of course a healthy dose of feminism. These three things are vital. Without each of these components, the harassment becomes immoral and sexist.

Think about that next time before you defend yourself from a trained feminist professional.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News morning report.

Terrorsogynist Alert: Ethan Ralph

Dear readers. We live in very troubled times. In a world where one out of every one woman is raped, sexual violence on college campuses is so high that only 1% of women can make it to class safely each day, and the wage gap is so dire that females, on average, make less than a half a cent an hour to a man’s thousand, it’s safe to say we need feminism more than ever . At no point in our history have we so desperately needed feminism. Without it, our race is doomed.

And yet, even with such an ardent, pressing need for equality, there are horrible, wicked people running amok who are setting the cause back by decades. One of these violent misogynists is named Ralph: Ethan Ralph.

Ethan is the writer of the blog “The Ralph Retort,” through which he does his utmost to spread terrorism and hate. He claims he allows discussion and is open to comments, but as you can see, he intentionally uses a skull-and-bones avatar to frighten away women, as it is a known fact that women find skeletons scary and triggering. By using this gruesome death-threat avatar, he essentially guarantees that no women will even bother to engage in open discussion.

Speaking bluntly, what makes Mr. Ralph so dangerous and so destructive is not merely the fact that he runs a harassment blog, but more that he uses this harassment blog to discredit women’s opinions, relying on the typical patriarchal tools of “evidence” and “logic” that have held feminists back for so many decades.

Every time a woman tries to help humankind by spreading her feminism, Ethan takes it upon himself to misogynistically, sexistily, and transphobitistically “debunk” their arguments and in some cases show embarrassing screenshots that discredit them outright.

“It’s a way of holding us back,” one anonymous feminist reported to us via email. “Ethan Ralph is doing the same thing to us that other, likeminded misogynists have been doing since the movement first began. He’s trying to use “facts” to discredit our viewpoints and render them invalid.”

Indeed, we spoke to a number of victims, all of whom had fallen prey to Mr. Ralph’s violent debunkery.

“I fled my home in fear,” reported feminist activist Lydia T. Cuntlaser. “I was minding my own business one day, and my friend showed me that he was harassing me on his website. He doxed my tweet.”

We verified this information was true; on an article dated around mid-February, Ethan Ralph dug through Twitter to dox Miss Cuntlaser’s public statements regarding her views of men. But Miss Cuntlaser is far from the only victim.

“MURRRRRRRRRR,” Randi Harper said, speaking to us via her tank in a local aquarium. “MURRRRRRRRRRR.”

We also spoke to a young woman who has chosen to keep her identify off record. “It was the worst day of my life,” she told us. “Ethan Ralph, without regard for my safety, doxed my opinion. He just doxed it. Without even caring what might happen to me.”

There are many more victims of Mr. Ralph’s vicious doxings, and many more are only first coming forward. But one thing is clear: as long as we allow terrorsogynists like Ethan Ralph to continue tearing down and doxtistically shredding feminist viewpoints, the movement is going to have to fight an uphill battle.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News morning report.

(We recommend you stay away from this lair of misogyny, but if you dare, the link to this evil bastard’s “blog” is below)

http://theralphretort.com/

Kotawker Breaking News: #GamerGate hacks writer’s account to Dox CFO

This is your Kotawker News morning report.

Early this morning, hackers working for the hate-group known as #GamerGate broke into one of our writer’s computer systems and created an article doxing an innocent, harmless bisexual man who paid for an escort.

We won’t name him (again) and potentially subject him to humiliation. But as far as we’re concerned, #GamerGate should be ashamed of themselves for having the nerve to not only hack into this man’s account, but to also hack his email and exchange correspondence with the escort in order to gain information about the story that eventually came out—all without the real writer ever knowing.

Not only that, but they even trained an actor to sound like one of our writers so that they could speak over the phone with the escort and iron out the details. Everyone was fooled. Even me.

Shame on you, #GamerGate

Your hatred knows no bounds. We will not apologize, however, as this is not our fault. #GamerGate did it.

Trial proceeds for Internet troll responsible for 1,000 counts of disagreement rape

Trial proceeds for Internet troll responsible for 1,000 counts of disagreement rape

The summer of 2014 will always be remembered for two things: its disgusting array of sexist films, and the Holocaust-like sexual, misogynistic, death-threat-ey, and overall VIOLENT disagreement-rape that came from one Gregory Elliot, a man who openly told Feminist Hero and Activist Steph Guthrie that her views on feminism were not correct.

This, by the way, is not something Mr. Elliot denies. Mr. Elliot brazenly stated, not just on Twitter, but in court, as well, that he does not think that the opinions held by Miss Guthrie are the correct opinions, and so now, naturally, he faces six-months in prison.

We here at Kotawker News are confused by such a lenient penalty, but we suspect the prosecutors are simply trying to obtain a win and secure a precedent so that, in the future, this sort of eye-popping, earth-shattering harassment can be dealt with using more appropriate means such as forced castration, sterilization, and in some cases, the death penalty.

For most of last year, Miss Guthrie has had to put up with Mr. Elliot’s constant attempts to defend his reputation after she rightfully called him out on his postings of problematic content. It seems he failed to realize that freedom of speech does not protect you from the consequences of that speech.

Thankfully, the good nation of Canada has a very low tolerance for disagreement-rape, and prosecutors are doing everything they can to ensure that this man stays behind bars where he can do no further harm to feminism, Miss Elliot, and victims of disagreement-rape.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News morning report

The Worst Man Alive since Hitler has Finally been Taken Down!

The Worst Man Alive since Hitler has Finally been Taken Down!

Today’s Kotawker news report is a happy one. No, not just happy. But majorly, ecstatically happy!

Dear reader. What comes to your mind when you hear names like “Hitler,” or “Osama Bin Laden?” I wonder. Is it the same thing that pops into your mind when you hear the name “Rob?”

Not long ago, heroic, justice-seeking Twitter users, aided by several outlets of the major media, worked together to coordinate a massive, unprecedented attack on Rob. Yes, the Rob. The infamous creator of a single offensive Tweet.

Rob, the evil son of a bitch that he is, had the audacity to make precisely one offensive comment of the sort you’re likely to hear everywhere you go in private but never in public. This, naturally, makes him just as bad as Hitler, and thanks to the noble efforts of J.K. Rowling, who rightfully used the weight of her 4.5 million fans to publicly shame him on Twitter, every time this man applies for a job for the rest of his life, the first thing that will pop up will be websites like CNN and Entertainment Tonight.

Now, some of you might be wondering: is it really enough? Did we do enough to destroy this man’s life and reputation? Is it enough that he’s had to set his account to private and has become alienated from his friends and his family?

The answer is no.

Next time, let’s hope we can get a drone strike or two called down on him. Because remember, folks: problems aren’t solved by tackling underlying issues, but by going after the real source of all evils: Rob, the guy who made an offensive tweet.

Take that, Rob! You’ve been publicly shamed by everyone. I bet you’ll think twice next time before making a mistake!

This has been your Kotawker News report.

You Wouldn’t Believe our View on That Thing!

You Wouldn’t Believe our View on That Thing!

We here at Kotawker News do not believe that you, dear reader, are capable of believing that thing that we think about the other thing.

Of course, we sadly cannot tell you what we think, as that would be mansplaining and not using our privilege properly. As privilege-holders, we really shouldn’t be offering opinions about things—or even having them—without feminists signing our permission slips allowing us to feel certain ways about topics that others might take offense at.

It is our duty as allies to allow womyn to inform us what we should believe, and then it is also our duty to make ourselves believe it. For every one second that we do not believe it, we are basically raping someone.

Even still, you totally would’ve loved our take on that whole thing that we can’t talk about. Maybe one day, when women are equal, we will be allowed to talk about our opinions and feelings on certain things. Until then, we’re just going to watch our privilege and hope we don’t say something we’re not allowed to say.