Breaking News! Ice T ravages #GamerGate in tweet about respected website thedailybeast

Well, well, well.

It seems like the curtain is finally about to close on the era of #GamerGate. Today, well-respected celebrity Ice T was embroiled in a minor controversy after a series of tweets exchanged with terrorsogynist hate campaign #Gamergate resulted in the publication of an article by thedailybeast, in which thedailybeast accurately reported that Ice T told all of the #GamerGate movement to eat a dick.

However, accusations soon began to rise that thedailybeast had “taken Ice T’s tweets out of context” and had “minced his words.”

Well, terrorsogynists, it’s time to pack up and leave, because mere hours ago, Ice T made the following tweet.

Yes, not only were his words not taken out of context, but Mr. Ice T is actually so pleased with thedailybeast that he now wishes to engage in intercourse with them. Of course, we here at Kotawker News sincerely hope this does not happen, as it is strictly against approved Feminist Procedure to engage in any sexual activity with our cuckolds.

This has been your Kotawker News afternoon report.

Arthur Chu breaks into Gotham’s weapon cache stealing explosives: Batman investigates

With SPJ coming tomorrow, it’s no surprise that male feminist superhero Arthur Chu would come to the same understanding that we here at Kotawker News have come to ourselves: that terrorsogyny needs to be fought at all cost.

Earlier today, the bat symbol was shined atop Wayne Enterprises after four tons of explosives went missing from an offshore weapons cache. Sadly, it seems that misogynistic shitlord Batman is once more doing everything in his power to stop Mr. Chu from pulling his lovable hijinks at tomorrow’s event.

In an attempt to glean some more information, we sought an interview with Mr. Chu. And so, just a few hours ago, speaking to us from a large, rectangular, and floating viewing screen ominously surrounded by candles and a rising mist, was none other than Arthur Chu himself.

“Arthur,” we asked, “what are your plans for tomorrow’s event?”

“Plans?” he responded. “I don’t have any plans. Except to say that it ends…tomorrow night.”

“Are you worried that Batman—”

“Fuck Batman!” he said with a chortle. “It ends…tomorrow night!”

Indeed, tomorrow will be an interesting day. We can only hope Arthur Chu will succeed in his mission to stop the misogynistic terrorist event—with terrorism. This has been your Kotawker News Evening Report.

Anne Rice supports freedom of sp**ch: declares war on women

Dear readers.

You may be aware that feminist author Anne Rice has done quite a bit for both human and women’s rights, such as breaking down barriers in the literary field and writing erotic romances during a time when women were harshly judged by society for presenting themselves as sexual beings. Sadly, all of her contributions are now erased as, recently, she announced she supports freedom of speech. Yep. You read that correctly. The great Anne Rice has sadly embraced the evil, terrorist idea known as freedom of speech.

Thankfully, the true heroes over at the Mary Sue worked swiftly to remove her title of feminist, as they are the sole controllers of such a word. Effective immediately, Anne Rice is now a “bad person” and “evil.” We reached out to the Mary Sue for comment, and she had this to say.

“Well, we’re just as shocked as you are, Kev,” Miss Sue said, speaking to us over the phone. “I liked Anne Rice too. But apparently she thinks that books should be allowed to exist even if they offend us. So now she’s one of the terrorist misogynists we’re always writing about.”

Upon discovering this, another feminist hero, a woman named “Carolyn Cox,” rightfully did the one thing that any self-respecting feminist would do in her position: she penned a hit piece attacking a successful feminist female author—for the good of feminism! Miss Cox was quick to condemn Anne Rice’s support of free speech, implying Miss Rice does not care about marginalized groups.

We here at Kotawker News also loudly—and unilaterally—condemn Miss Rice’s actions. If free speech is kept free, then who’s going to stop people from writing books we don’t want to read? No. Anne Rice is wrong. If a book comes out that is offensive, it is important we do everything we can to destroy it. Otherwise, we might accidentally be exposed to an opposing viewpoint. And God have mercy on us if that should happen.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News morning report.

Everyone in #GamerGate comes out unanimously in support of Donald Trump

Dear readers, as we have been saying all along, #Gamergate is a right-wing conspiracy to destroy women and children. Lately, there have been some people suggesting that #Gamergate is “diverse” and hosts “numerous” opinions. This is false. As only a qualified Feminist Professional could tell you, the truth is that #Gamergate is a front for support of Donald Trump.

As proof of this, we offer you the following screenshots. Please note: some information was censored, but only because it contained death threats against women. That was the only information we here at Kotawker News removed. The rest is raw and unedited.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News evening report.

Anonymous launches operation rainbow cookies

Anonymous launches operation rainbow cookies

We here at Kotawker news are often forced to report on the terrible, the deadly, and the horrific. But thanks to the good folks over at anonymous, we have a happy story for you today. Feminist activist group “Anonymous” has been working diligently to gain those lulz—the feminist way.

Today, anonymous announced an all new operation: #OpRainbowCookies, in which members of the elite hacking group plan to bake delicious, yummy cookies for orphans all around the country while promoting body-positivity for all.

Anonymous, a group well known for its open endorsement of crying and sensitivity, announced the operation early Saturday morning on the group’s official, verified Twitter account in the form of a Youtube video.

“People of the world,” a woman’s modified voice announced. “It has come to our attention that there are not enough rainbow cookies. Every day, people go about their business, but they aren’t eating rainbow cookies. This is unforgivable, and it is time to stop.

We are anonymous.

We are one.

We do not forgive.

We do not forget.

We are legion.

Expect us.

And women are equal and great.”

We here at Kotawker news fully endorse this elite hacker operation, and we hope all of you get in on it too.

Gamergate refuses to release hostages

It’s been a tense week to say the least. Ever since the standoff between the forces of #Gamergate and the NYPD, the public has been demanding an end to the crisis. For those of you living under a rock, last week, #Gamergate activists armed with AK47s stormed a local mall in Midtown Manhattan, completely seizing a Gamestop, an Applebees, and a women’s rights store.

No male hostages were harmed. Actually, all male hostages were given a hundred-dollar bill as a means of apology and inconvenience and a pat on the back. Even the Jews. The women, however, did not meet similar treatment.

For over the entire course of last week, fifty-five women have been trapped inside the mall, and police say that people are getting antsy. Three times now, SWAT teams have attempted to breach the building and rescue the hostages, but they were unsuccessful all three times. Police Commissioner Gordon had the following to say.

“We’re dealing with gamers here,” he explained to us over the phone. “They’ve run these kinds of scenarios hundreds of times from their mothers’ basements. They planted landmines and c4 charges, taking out all three teams.”

There’s no word yet as to when we can expect a resolution to this developing hostage crisis.

“People of the world,” one #Gamergate activist said, firing several rounds of his AK47 into the ceiling. “We are #Gamergate. And we will not stop until we get what we want—ethics in video-game journalism…and SJWs maybe. Not sure. We’re still working that part out.”

Indeed, the situation is frightening, and no one knows what will happen next. We’re all just hoping this doesn’t end like the last #Gamergate hostage crisis, in which over nine-thousand women were executed in warm blood.

I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawker News morning report.

Terrorsogynist Alert #2: Exclusive Interview with Doctor John Kelly Rose

Dear readers, we have a special investigative report for you today. Sitting in a chair in front of me in our very central office is none other than infamous terrorsogynist John Kelly Rose—also known as Doctor Daedelus during his brief stint in the Legion of Doom.

Special Feminist Undercover Agent Manahattan of Truth recently exposed his troubled past, leading from a once prominent feminist activist to a murderous cyborg and eventual #Gamergate supporter.

These days, John can be found plotting heinous acts of terrorism in his secret underground hacker board known as “Gee Gee revolt,” which was found to be too extreme for both Eight Chun and Four Chun. The board, which requires special hacker knowledge to access and use, was indicted in the fatal 2011 hackings that saw over eleven-thousand women harassed on Twitter and resulted in the doxings of over fifteen different opinions.

To be safe, all women were evacuated from our headquarters prior to inviting the doctor here for this exclusive interview.

Trigger Warning: Murder, rape, terrorism, sexism, misogyny, Daedelus, transphobia, trans misogyny, and an ending that doesn’t include an apology.

KN: Question #1: Mr. Rose. How many women have you killed?

DJKR: During my time at Occupy, I was certain to annihilate any woman who opposed Social Justice in order to preserve my subversive narrative. After a time, I deliberately obfuscated the numbers to the point where an exact count cannot be given.

KN: Thank you

Question #2: After the tragic death of your parents at the hands of feminists, is it true you became Doctor Daedelus Rose?

DJKR: I was the feminist who killed my parents. Upon taking my father’s life after my mother’s, I adopted his pseudonym as a metaphorical trophy.

KN: Interesting. I did not know this.

KN: Moving along, here’s question #3: Is it true that you are working with Israel to co-opt GamerGate and establish an Ethics-only platform?

DJKR: Seattle never bothered to ask the hard questions.

KN: You mean Agent Manhattan of Honesty? We deny having any knowledge of this man

DJKR: Your desire to dissociate yourself from him is not only understandable but commendable.

KN: Thank you. He has become a liability—ah. Not that we here at Kotawker News have ever known or had contact with this man.

DJKR: To answer question #3, after replacing the owners of gg.me with Ayylieans, I used their platform to assemble a native-Israel JIDF through propaganda.

KN: Question #4: Can the lasers emitted from your eyes truly melt steel beams?

DJKR: Uncertain as I have never tested my powers against the inanimate.

KN: Oh? That’s … interesting. Since Manhattan of Honesty leaked a source to one of our editors claiming you said that you did in a since-deleted Facebook post.

DJKR: If anyone had actually found my Facebook account they would be… severely inconvenienced.

KN: Very well. Just one more question, Doctor Are you the man in this photograph?

DJKR: What you see in the photograph is a shelved prototype from the Rebuild Imitative. I believe I was piloting it at the time. Unfortunately, we were unable to destroy the savage cis-het white man because resources were diverted to sending a satellite into orbit.

As you can see, dear reader, the story of Doctor JKR is a sad, pitiable tale of a man who still believes he fights for the side of feminism—even as he continues his harassment campaign against women by supporting Gamergate.

As always, I’m Kevin Weinberg, and this has been your Kotawer News daily report, and of course, we know what you did, John. We know what you did.